captured by His vision!

It's been a month and I'm not alright...

2006-03-14T13:50:00.000-06:00

-- I’m Not Alright

If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall

I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

I’m not all right
I’m broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone

And when I’m open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on

Cause honestly, I’m not that strong

I’m not all right
I’m broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you

And I move closer to you

I’m not all right…that’s why I need you --

***God, I can't go another step without You... I can't move, I can't breathe, I can't speak, I can't think, I can't blink, I can't type, I can't do anything without you... I CANNOT live without you! If it's up to me living in this world, I will continue to do the things that I want to do when I want to do them, and I will die a slow painful death without You... Because as I do those things, not necessarily being so 'bad', they will draw me away from You. The further away from You I get, the less I will be illuminated by the Light, and the more I will grow accustomed to the darkness. In the darkness I can't see anything, so I don't know that what I'm eating is bad for me... I don't know that what I'm consuming is killing me... I don't know that all these things that are coming at me and I'm ingesting them one by one -- they're all bad for me, but I've gotten so far away from You that there is no light to illuminate and show me that what I'm doing is wrong, and completely against Your will... God draw me back to you...

Holy Spirit forgive me for sinning against you, and against myself... forgive me for sinning against the Body of Christ, forgive me for sinning against everyone who is in my life that is relying on me to show them the Gospel of Christ by my life, but I keep making You seem like something You're not because of what I'm doing to myself... "If your hand or foot causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you. It is better for you to enter into life lame or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet, to be cast into the everlasting fire." (Matthew 18:8) So, God, cut off my hand if you have to... I don't want my life to go to Hell... I don't want those who are around me observing my every move and mood to go to Hell... God, I've said that 'I want to live for Your glory (Your honor, Your praise, Your renown... That You would be famous in ALL the earth!)' but by my secrets that I hold onto, and my things that I hide behind, and the things I keep hidden -- I am leading people right with me to Hell... I can't hide anymore.... I'm an adulterer... not in the 'world's' sense of the word, but... "You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Matthew 5:27) Gee, doesn't that go the other way too? Not only that, I've committed sin against my own body... That's right, I'm NOT perfect! And if I keep it in any longer, I'm going to burst, because I keep finding myself in the same sin patterns... I'm not going to blame it on 'generational curses' though it may have had some effect on it in the past, but I keep opening the doors to stupid things that I should never think about... I'm committing adultery on God, myself, my future husband (if it be God's will) and all the people that God has put on this earth for me to have an influence upon... I could keep these things to myself, but I can't!

I can't be silent any longer about what the enemy of my soul wants me to keep to myself, and let it eat me away, literally! SATAN, YOU ARE A LIAR!! you have tried to keep me bound for long enough! NO MORE! I RENOUNCE MY FORNICATING, ADULTEROUS PAST AND I MOVE FORWARD TO A DISCIPLINED, PURE FUTURE!!!!! IN JESUS NAME!!!

Relationship....yeah, yeah..

2006-03-13T00:15:00.000-06:00

Yes, I do have the "In a Relationship" status posted on my profile. (on myspace...) It's not because I want to be like anyone else, or I feel alone or anything like that. It's because technically, I am! I made the commitment a month ago that I was going to date God for a year and that's what I want to do.

My friend Abi made a good point to me a couple weeks ago after I had told my small group that I had made an idiot out of myself previously because I was paying more attention to a guy than I should have been. (And even if the tables were turned and I was the guy, I still shouldn't have been paying this much attention to the person, because I barely knew them. They were more of an acquaintance...)

Anywho... Abi's point was that, "Kirsten, you're dating God right now, so that means you were cheating on your boyfriend. Jesus, is your boyfriend and you were cheating on Him!!" Wow, that point had blown me away. Besides the fact that she said that to me (I was happy that she did, because I'm excited about her growing friendship!! I love you, Abigail!!), It was a great point. If I were really dating someone, I wouldn't be checking other guys out. I wouldn't be wanting to spend time with another guy. (This is because I believe there is One guy out there for me and God will set that relationship up in His timing, which will start off in a friendship.) So, tonight God spoke to my heart as I was watching T.V. and hadn't really spent any time with Him... yes, even though it's Sunday, and I went to church. I worshipped; I listened to the sermon; I prayed... yada yada yada... Just because I go to church every Sunday doesn't mean that I have a relationship with God!

--Just like me being in a garage does NOT make me a mechanic! In order for me to be a mechanic, I need to spend time with the tools that I'm working with... I need to spend time with the parts I'll be working on... You know, I have to get acquainted with every aspect of all that fits under the umbrella of being a mechanic...--

Anywho... God spoke to my heart tonight as I was watching TV and I heard him give me the analogy that If I was a married woman (or man) and if I really loved my spouse and I hadn't spent time with him all day, I wouldn't go to the TV for comfort, or want to spend time with the TV before I spent time with him -- I would want to spend time with Him before that... and I didn't do that, I spent time with Drew Carey & the gang watching 'Whose line is it anyway?'... (no, it's probably not the best show to watch, but I justified it because it's funny and I love improv...)

So... that's my transparency for tonight... thanks for listening... it's all for Him anyway!

living for His glory
& amazed by His love,
...kirsten marie...

Jesus: my Valentine not only for today, but for the next whole year!!

2006-02-14T01:46:00.000-06:00

taking the advice of a *dear friend* to join in on her endeavor (a year later!), I have come to the decision that starting today, February 14th of 2006, I am going to date God for a year: focusing my thoughts, attentions, affections, my all, on HIM!

well, that's all for now.... i need to get to bed, but i wanted to give you a taste of what God's doing in my life and where He's taking me!

living for HIS glory
& amazed by HIS love,
*kirsten marie*

worship by the sky

2006-02-10T00:09:00.000-06:00

worship by the sky, originally uploaded by enamoredbyone.

someday i will marry a man like this... a worshipper in all he is! this is one of my favorite pictures. (thanks to jay from myspace!)

i'm completely in love with YOU, Jesus!!

*kirsten marie*

it's almost the new year and...

2005-12-29T21:09:00.000-06:00

... i haven't made a post in quite a while. *sad face* so here's this one for all you (few) people who may read my blog...

so there's a lot of stretching going on in my life right now. at the beginning of the year (2005) God told me that this was going to be my year of newness and renewal. well, until October, there was no sign of any such thing. well, so it seemed anyway. A lot of miscellaneous things had been happening throughout the summer and up to the 10th month of the year, including but not limited to: a complete music fast (save worship times, obviously), cleaning out of my room (which needs to be maintained... ), my car was dead for a while..., etc....

throughout this time God was setting up a new relationship in my life... don't read this wrong... not that kind of relationship, just a friendship. God was knitting my heart together with a friend of mine.

there was one common person that was pretty much linked in all areas of my life... Christy inama. she was starting to become my mentor through many turns of events in my life. she implemented my fast of music, helped me clean out my room, and picked me up for work (and to watch her kids) while my car waited to be fixed for about a month and a half! through all of this we were enabled to talk a lot more and she was enabled to minister to me and encourage me.

for those of you who may not know, i'm in a small group at my church called a 'cell group' (like a cell is part of the body...). anywho, i had been led for the past 2 years by lonny & his wife Teresa, who was my main leader. she poured her life into me the best she could, but it was time for me to be 're-planted.'

before an encounter (retreat) weekend in October, God had started to stir in our (Christy, Teresa & I's) hearts... there had been a shifting of authority that was taking place. and if i ever cried out to the Lord about something, this was it. where was i supposed to be? in Teresa's cell, where i was able to fellowship with all my friends once a week... or in Christy's cell, where i would get the personal attention i needed, but lacked the social time that i 'depended' on so much?

God answered my prayers through some detailed events (if you wanna know just ask...) and i now find myself in Christy's cell! it's been good overall. through everything i know that God has placed her over me and whatever happens i ultimately have to answer to God, through her. i'm learning to trust that God speaks to me through her. i've recently had to majorly repent for blatantly rebelling against her advice. i hope she soon knows how sorry i am, and that i realize that i did rebel against her, but ultimately i realize that i rebelled against God Himself... and i'm sorry.

so, if you're still tuned in, thanks for reading... hope it satisfies you 'til the next installment! love you guys!

being stretched and growing,
...kirsten marie...

man-made things are aggravating!!

2005-10-03T22:11:00.000-05:00

i'm frustrated currently by my computer! it won't let me sign on to my space and it kicks me off of yahoo messenger continuously... grrrh!

so, what's going on in my life currently? well, not much. i'm still working at lane bryant with whatever hours they happen to give me.
---i'm still employed at the family christian store, and my boss said she was going to give me some more hours soon, so we'll see what happens with that.
---i'm presently in a class at church called the School of Leaders (for those of you that may read this and don't attend my church, LSFC, or really know me that well) and it's been a bummer. not that the class itself is a bummer, but i've been disappointed in myself. i'm a few weeks behind (which means i should get off here soon, and take a crack at some of my reading and homework)...
---i was taking this class with a bunch of other ladies at church called 'Because of Jesus,' and it's a really good book, if you actually read it! but my problem once again is that i have a lack of discipline and so i just don't read what i'm supposed to and make/take time to do the things that i need to do.
---my room is a complete mess, as it has been characteristically in the past. soon a good friend of mine, christy, is going to brave the disaster area and help me clean it out... ...for the greater good: my freedom! i'm ready to have a place that i can actually 'get away' to and that i can think clearly and be distraction free...
---2 of my good friends, lynn & mark, just got married on saturday (october 1st). thursday to saturday were long, but completely awesome! thursday night christy & i, and some other pretty cool people, started setting up for the reception, in the gym. that lasted from about 5-11ish (pm) on thurs. to 9am-about7pm on friday. the wedding was at 2 and the reception lasted 'til about 9:30 with tear down afterwards... needless to say it was a lot of time, but it was a joy to serve them in that way, and i had a BLAST at the reception dancing... my favorite part was 'swing dancing' with vince as if we actually knew what we were doing (some day i'll have lessons) and he ended up twirling me a whole lot (which was good, 'cause i had a really fun skirt on!

anywho...that's more than enough for now, for those of you who have been wanting to know what's up with me... you know who you are!

*k*
*mia*

it's been a while...

2005-09-08T18:22:00.000-05:00

...since i've played on the monkeybars. (sorry, 'charlie,' i stole your line..) anywho... it's really just been a while since i've updated my blog. so this blog is dedicated to all those who read my blog: abby, joel, heather, and all those who still regularly check/read my blog, if there are those of you that exist! this especially goes out to joel, 'cause he's asked me like 5 bazillion times when i was going to update my blog!

so, how was mexico? mexico was amazingly remarkable... we got to see the hand of God move in tremendous ways! we saw God heal people of infirmities... and the greatest miracle of them all -- we got to see many people have their souls supernaturally converted and changed! God is doing so much in Veracruz through the faithful people of Fuente de Vida (Fountain of Life), the church we worked with. it's pretty cool... anywho... so, that's about it for now, unless i decide to update a little more later... :-D

¡¡¡Estoy en Mexico!!!

2005-07-27T15:14:00.000-05:00

For all of you non-Spanish-speaking people out there, I said "I´m in Mexico!" Right now I´m at an internet cafe with Miss Maria (Crosby) while she does her Fuel stuff and I watch the kids (well, kinda... they´re playing a game right now...)

God is doing amazing things while we´ve been here and even before we came. He started to move and work in my life a couple weeks before we started training. I can´t even begin to list all that He is doing... MORE OF HIM!! is all I can say! He´s giving me more of a heart for Him and showing me His heart more and more!! Thank you for Your love and faithfulness, Lord! We´ve seen miracles, salvations and so much more! God is transforming lives here! Not just the lives of the people that we are ministering to, but also our lives... the lives of each and every person on this team. That´s what we are and that´s what we´ve become: a team... we´ve become unified. Thanks to all of you who have been praying for us, or me, for the time we´ve been down here!!

I´ll update more when I get home! I´ll be home in 2 days!

Love to you all!
·k· a.k.a. ·mia·

Only 10 days til...

2005-07-01T00:18:00.000-05:00

...we start training for Mexico! Wow... i can hardly believe it's so close already. i have so much to do before i go: clean my room, get papers signed (those 2 are a lot in themselves, cleaning is going to take a lot of time and effort, and getting the papers signed will take effort on my part and will be important things to X off my list!).... anywho, now that i've bored you all with that...

...i don't know what to say, and so i'm going to go say it to God.... peace for now... love you all! thanks to those of you who i know read this on a regular basis, and to those of you who i don't know that read it regularly... feel free to comment! (you know who you are! ;-p)

happy birthday to me! yay!!

2005-06-25T01:03:00.000-05:00

hehehe... today is my 21st birthday! wow... how am i supposed to feel at 21? who knows.. i just know that i've lived life thus far to this point and now i am where i am because of the decisions that i've made and because of God's hand upon my life. yes, bad things have happened. yes, great things have happened. and yes, i want more... i want all that God has had scripted for my life since the beginning of time. he knew that i'd be on this thing called a computer long before there was even 'the wheel.' (wasn't that a great invention? hehehe)

God, i want more... more of You, but in order for that to happen there must be LESS of me.... take away my selfish, rebellious, prideful nature, and fill me with the only One who has ever known how to love me just the way i should and just how i desire to be loved... God, only You can still the beating of my heart and only You can make my heart beat perfectly and for you above all else! God, You put in me the desires of my heart, so take them back because right now i'm not using them properly... whenever you think that i am able to properly take care of these desires, and i've given them FULLY to You, You can give them back, and that's only if You want to.... change me! make me into the Princess of God that You created me to be!

so that's what i want for my birthday... just to be like You, my Daddy!

i learned how to drive a manual tonight!!!

2005-06-05T01:37:00.000-05:00

ok, so i love the pendleton family for many reasons, but one of the reasons is that it seems like (well, at least lately) that whenever i go over there i learn something new. tonight joy had her graduation party, she's growing up so fast, wow...(yeah, i say that like i've known her forever... haha) anywho... so today i was over there and for some reason cecil and i were talking about stick shifts and how i wanted to learn and he's like 'i'll teach you' so i said, 'for real?' and he's like, 'sure.' so i took him up on his offer and we decided to do it tonight and started at like 10pm... haha (oh, the joys of learning to drive at night, especially a manual transmission... ;-p )

so... i got frustrated and impatient at times, but it was great 'cause cecil was a great and very patient teacher! he even did breathing for me, to try to help... and then he started doing the lamaze stuff and i was like, 'cecil, i'm not pregnant, just learning how to drive a manual...' lol so, yeah, the whole experience was great and i learned a ton! i can hardly wait to go out driving again and practice... woohoo! even though the car died like 7-10 times, i still made it and i finally think that i have the smooth starting down pat!! only time and practice will tell! thank God for the pendleton's! Lord bless them abundantly and draw them closer to You!

what about you? have you learned anything new lately? would you like to share? hehehe... ;-D

*k*

mamma MIA!

2005-06-02T01:28:00.000-05:00

ok, so that title may make sense to no one, but birdie, but that's ok! i now have a new nickname that i'm very proud of: it's Mia... yes, i like it very much, thanks birdie!! mia means 'mine' and the name that mia is from, amelia, means 'industrious, admiring...' and both of them are from latin origins. if you know me, you'll know that that means something to me ;-D

well, my name, kirsten, means: 'the anointed one' and 'believer in Christ...' though my mom didn't know what power the meaning of her daughter's name would hold, God sure did! and i now love my name!!

what does your name mean? do you know it's origins? (mine is greek/scandinavian... just like me... hehehe) do you like your whole name? blah blah blah!

p.s. there are only 23 days 'til my b-day!!! (on the 25th...) woohoo!!!

summer plans... in His hands...

2005-05-31T01:45:00.000-05:00

hey, guys! first of all, thanks to whoever reads this, i'm honored and i love you, whoever you may be!

i have a ton of things that i need to get done... i have to get my support letters out a.s.a.p. for my missions trip this summer; i have to get everything together for a package that i've been wanting to send out to a friend for about a month now...; i need to get to bed...; i need to spend time with the Lord; i need to finish cleaning my room; and most importantly i need to continue to relinquish ALL control to Him day by day, 'cause i am not in control, i never was... there are so many things that i want to hold onto, but i cannot, otherwise i will perish... i'll slowly die and i won't really feel it...

Lord, let the rivers of living water flow into and out of and through me so that i may become and remain more like you and in you! Thank You for the breakthroughs that you have been giving me lately... continue to break me down so that i may be humbled before you... i love you, Lord, God, Daddy, Brother, Comforter, my All in All, my Savior, the Lover of my soul, my Friend!

p.s. what are all of you planning on doing this summer? even if i already know, feel free to leave a comment! i love to hear from you all!

Rummage Sale is Saturday!!

2005-05-20T01:14:00.000-05:00

so the GIGANTIC rummage sale is this saturday, the 21st, at church (LSF). i'm very excited, 'cause i'll have my own booth, again, at the bazaar. (yes, it's weird, a bazaar person is having a booth at the bazaar... hmmm...) so, i had a million things that i was going to sell that started off with an amazing brain explosion by christy inama... my booth was going to be "Food on a stick!" but then none of the things were going to work out... ie: corn dogs (no way to cook them 'safely,' you know how parents can be sometimes ;-p), corn on the cob (just wasn't happening), caramel apples (too much work or money), and lot's of other stuff that was just going to be too much product...

so i will now be selling:

fruit on a stick (fruit kabobs)
bracelet bands (likened to the 'livestrong' bands... hey, they're popular and they'll sell)
'juicy juice' juice boxes (yay for juice that's not made with high fructose corn syrup crap!)
~and~
'dominoes' cards (you buy one for $10 and you get a free pizza with the purchase of a pizza (10 total!)) i love dominoes... hehe

yay!! i'm excited! Lord, let the river of finances flow into my booth! Thanks in advance for Your provision!

love you guys!

p.s. stephanie leave a comment... hehehe

forgot something...

2005-05-10T13:13:00.000-05:00

well, when i put the happy mother's day post up i forgot to actually wish my mom a happy mothers day... what a goof! not that she even knew about the site 'til now, but you know... so... HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, MOM!! i love you!!!

that's about it for now... talk to you all later!

Happy Mother's Day!!

2005-05-09T00:02:00.000-05:00

So, today was Mother's Day... (the day is almost over ;-P) After going to a wedding and reception yesterday, I got home around 11:30 and went to bed about 12, which is early for me. I woke up a little before 7 so I could go to the early service @ church, which is another thing that I normally don't do... (it starts at 8! second service starts at 11...) I only went to first service so I could get down to see my mom earlier, in illinois. It takes 1.5 hours to get there. So my step-dad made a turkey on the grill: niiiice!! and after we ate, I got to change my oil again!! That was so much fun, and I didn't cut myself, like last time!! Praise the Lord for that! But I did break something... oops! I was going to try to drive up on ramps, so it would've been a little bit easier for me to get under my jeep, but... I went a little too much (I stopped and the car kept going... you know... lol) and I ran over the ramp and flattened it... hehehe, my monster truck!! NOT! lol so, yeah, I changed the oil and learned that it takes 6 quarts! and not 5 like I had put in the 2 times before... oops! oh well, now my car will probably run smoother! I was proud of myself for doing it again! I'm glad that I have another time under my belt!

Anyone need an oil change?? hehehe...

You Know You're From Illinois When...

2005-05-04T00:19:00.000-05:00

*for those of you who don't know, i grew up in illinois... and i can relate to many of these, or i just know what it's talkin' about! *k*

-You know if someone is from southern, middle or northern Illinois as soon as they open their mouth.

-When you say "the city" - you mean Chicago.

-You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."

-You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.

-All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.

-You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, soddie, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.

-You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" is.

-You spent a good deal of your high school nights hanging out at DQ.

-"Vacation" means going to Six Flags.

-You don't pronounce the "S" in Illinois like the rest of the world.

-Whenever anyone mentions going out for steak, the first place you think of is Ponderosa.

-You know more than one person with a septic tank.

-You pronounce the invisible "R" in the word wash.

-Down south to you means Kentucky

-You have no problem spelling or pronouncing "Des Plaines"

-You think Chicago is a completely different state from Illinois.

-You know the answer to the question, "Is this Heaven?"

-You know where all the Yoders live

-Detassling was your first job

-You've ever been on a "Geode Hunt"

-Your idea of a really great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun and accompanied only by ketchup and a dill pickle slice

-You learn your pickup will run without a muffler

-When asked how your trip was to any foreign, exotic place, you say, "It was different."

-You consider being called a "Pork Queen" an honor

-People from other states love to hear you say "Illinois" and other words with "Os" in them.

-Your dream vacation is a trip to Rock Home Gardens

-You drink "pop."

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Illinois.

i like comments! hehehe

2005-05-02T00:09:00.000-05:00

so, i hear all the time about how people read my blogger, and i think 'yay!' but then again, i would never know, because people don't comment that often on my site... mmmboo! lol so even if you just say, 'hey, nice blog, kirsten,' or 'hey, i would have never known that, thanks for telling me,' (lol) or 'hi, i'm commenting on your blog, bye!' that would be great! hehehe

so, yeah... i'm at the point in my life, where i know i just need more of Him. and i know what i need to do. i've known what i've needed to do since august of 2003 when brock spoke a word over me that the Lord wants to be intimate with me. maybe i'm afraid... maybe i don't trust Him... maybe i'm just too wrapped up in 'me' that i feel like i don't have time for Him... 'i have to do this and this and this, and if i don't then nothing will get done...' but the fact of the matter is that if i spend time with Him first then all the other 'stuff' will fall into place beautifully... matthew 6:33 says, "seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you as well." so, i just need to do it... not for the sake of, 'oh, i spent my time with the Lord today,' but because He is the Lover of my soul, my Father and my best friend and i should enjoy spending time with Him!

God i NEED more of You and less of me... otherwise i will die! change me, mold me, empty me of me, and fill me with You!!

Happy Birthday Vanessa!!

2005-04-23T23:40:00.000-05:00

well, when i posted that picture last night/this morning i knew it was vonnie's b-day, but i failed to wish her best wishes on her day... so FELIZ CUMPLEA(~n)OS a ti, chica!! i hope your day was great after we left the church! i really wish that i could've been at the cohen's for passover, but maybe next year, and as mrs. cohen says 'see you in jerusalem' (her version says roselawn... hehehe)...

anywho, as usual God knew what He was doing when He allowed me to work tonight... I got to pray for one of my customers at LB and proclaim healing over her life! it always seems like whenever i ask if i can pray for someone at work they're a Christian, or something like that... anywho and God used me to continue to speak into my friend stevie (stephanie)'s life, which i always enjoy seeing and hearing the gratitude from her--it's to the Lord! it's so freeing to have her just ask questions about my life and why i do things the way i do and to be able to answer her with an open heart...God is good!!!

ciro, tina, vonnie, & i

2005-04-23T01:04:00.000-05:00

ciro, tina, vonnie, & i, originally uploaded by enamoredbyone.

this is just a picture from the valentine's day banquet... i love it 'cause it's with some of my closest friends (and i think i look cute in the pic, that doesn't happen often that i think that of myself... ;-D ).. ciro brought christina, vanessa, and i flowers and told us it was because we are his girls... aww... how sweet! we love you ciro... hahaha

sigh

2005-04-22T14:30:00.000-05:00

so i'm sitting at home right now on my computer doing nothing but complaining to my friends about how i hate school... but i guess the reason i hate it is because in the past i've always procrastinated. i have always put everything off 'til the last minute because i thought i could read a 10 page chapter in 30 minutes, but i couldn't; that's just not me... i need to take things a little slower, because i need more time to comprehend things... grrh! and so i have put everything off 'til the last minute... including my two 7-10 page papers that are due *in a half hour and *in 3 hours... so that's not going to happen tonight; they won't get turned in tonight anyway... hopefully by the grace of God they will be finished. i tend to look at the whole situation, instead of taking it bit by bit, and i overwhelm myself...

Holy Spirit change me!!!! You have been changing me in areas over the past year or so... things have been amazing, but things still remain that were deeply inbedded in me... root them out of me! i'm tired of dealing with them... i'm tired of being the same person that i used to be; i'm NOT the same person that i used to be! Lord YOU have changed me! remember, "i am now the woman that i've always wanted to be!!" let me walk in this word!! let me walk in the WORD... You're will--not mine...

i like to learn new things!

2005-04-15T01:13:00.000-05:00

today my dad taught me how to replace my headlight for my jeep! to some this may seem silly, but as i learn how to do new things with my car i feel exhilarated! i'm really glad that i now have another thing under my belt! ok, so anyone can probably change a headlight, it's pretty easy, but YAY!!!! hehehe and my dad told me he was proud of me; that always feels good! well, it's pretty late, and if i'm waiting for anyone to sign on, they probably won't, so i should go to bed! nitey nite!!

*k*

sunset & sky...

2005-04-05T01:35:00.000-05:00

skyatthePendleton's-1
Originally uploaded by enamoredbyone.

for my first picture post, i figured it had to be something good, 'cause i don't have anything that's too terribly recent... so here it is! this picture was taken on thanksgiving day of 2004 and the picture was more beautiful than any photo can capture! doesn't God paint the best pictures!?

it's very surreal...

2005-04-01T00:27:00.000-06:00

so for the past week or so, my grandpa had been in the hospital. he's had some kind of 'health issue' for as long as i can remember. but now he doesn't have to deal with that stuff anymore. i woke up the morning of wednesday, march 30th of 2005 (no more that a day or so ago...) to my dad telling me that grandpa had died that past night/morning... it's weird to think of him as gone. i didn't get to really see him that much, but he was always so happy to see me. he could talk about the Lord with me freely, and i would not shut him out, because we have the same beliefs... and when before i could see him maybe once a year, i will no longer have that option to go see grandpa. he's my first grandparent to have passed away... Praise the Lord that he knew I AM! now there is no more pain for him, no more worries, no more sickness... thank You Jesus for Salvation, Mercy and Grace!! i love you grandpa! now i really have to learn how to play piano so i can carry on your 'legacy'... hehehe...

love always...
...your gilligan milligan...

change is good!

2005-03-18T13:02:00.000-06:00

so, i was looking at some old journals from up to 3 years ago last night, and i can hardly believe where God has taken me since then. there has been so much that has changed, and unfortunately some things have stayed quite the same, which i'm not too happy about... :-( anywho... But those things that have stayed the same, God is moving in those areas and doing surgery to my heart... which sometimes it hurts a lot! i mean, come on, you cannot have surgery and expect not to hurt a little bit, or even feel a little differently. i can hardly believe from where i've come! like i knew i had changed a lot, but i guess i didn't realize how much! but, boy, are there a lot of things that need to come under submission to the Holy Spirit and things that need to die!

well, now it's time to get some reading done for SOL! *deep breath in* i CAN do this, thank you JESUS!!!!

new friend

2005-03-17T00:53:00.000-06:00

don't you like it when you get new friends? i sure do! lol... especially when someone you've known for a while becomes a friend you always hoped they could be... well maybe not yet, but it's happening. things take time... ALL things take time!!

*...special k...*

lol

i am going to die...

2005-02-22T14:25:00.000-06:00

ok, so not physically, but spiritually... and it is going to hurt A LOT and it's going to take a lot of self-control to hold myself back and not try to keep this thing in my own hands but to give it to the Lord.. i am hurting already... i can't go to b-dubs for a while, this stinks... oh well, like i said in a post before, i got myself into this mess; God is getting me out. someone told me not to like this person... i should've listened! God give me grace to get through this... i cannot possibly get through this on my own! believe me, i've tried to do it before... if Your hand is not in it, then i'd might as well forget it! (that was kind of a cool saying... hmm...) Thank You Lord for all that you are going to do in me through this time of major stretching, growing, and purifying... make me who You created me to be!!

Do you ever...

2005-02-11T01:50:00.000-06:00

...get a huge pit in the bottom of your stomach because you know someone is avoiding you? ok, so it's happened to me before; i've known someone was avoiding me, but i knew and know now that he was doing it for my good. and now we have a great friendship... thanks, buddy! i love ya for it!

so... yeah, it really hurts to be rejected, but it's my own fault. i set myself up to be let down. this person is crazy anyway... well, they're a godly person, but yeah... i am so tired of not being focused on the Lord and only HIM... and i'm in SOL so i know i'm going to die anyway! bah humbug!! i feel so sick right now; sick to my stomach, because i let myself down... thanks be to God for His mercy and loving grace!

so, i don't think i'm very hungry anymore... i should go to bed so i can get up early(-ier), 'cause i have a test in art appreciation tomorrow night that i need to study for... oh, Lord, this is just one more thing (the thing from above ^ ) that i have to give to you that i wanted to keep in my own hands and deal with it myself... but i cannot... only you can take my burdens... that's why you died on the cross for me! Lord, i hurt a lot right now... take all of my hurts from me... You are exactly what i want, need, and definitely don't deserve, but You're there anyway...

i love you so much...

(*for those of you who don't know what SOL means, it is School of Leaders... not the other thing, silly!)

Up, down, all around...

2005-02-09T17:36:00.000-06:00

So, the past couple days have been interesting for me... The weekend was good because Pastor Greg and Lisa Buckiewicz were here from Veracruz, Mexico. We had a leadership summit 'seminar' thing Saturday morning, which gave me a lot to think about and chew on. But what really hit me was when Pastor Greg spoke on Sunday morning about 'letting God be God through you.' We get so caught up in doing things our own way. And here in the United States we have everything. We do not want for anything. Food, Shelter, Clothing, Transportation, everything... and what we don't have need of, but just want, we get... and we are so used to getting what we want, because, like john reuben says, ' we are products of a spoiled society, so naturally spoiled products are generated...' gimme, gimme, gimme... i want, i need, i must have! so because of that we lose our dependance on and trust in God. HE should be our source! Everything is His anyway! we are lucky that He even lets us breathe the air we do!

so i relenquished all control, all fears to Him on monday at work... after a slip of the tongue, i found out that one of my customers had cancer. i told her that i'd be praying for her, but you know God... He said that's not enough. so i went up to her while she was shopping and asked her if i could pray with her then and she declined saying, 'thanks, but i'm not a very religious person.' so i said ok, and backed off... but God still wasn't done. He wanted me to say something else to her... when she was at the checkout, buying her clothes, i leaned to her and said to her, ' you know, it's not about the religion, it's about what God can do and i believe with 100% of my being that He can heal you...' i honestly think that she was floored just that someone would spend so much time with her and want this so much for her... she thanked me as she left, but thanks be to God!! He gives us the victory through our Lord, Jesus Christ!!!

so right after that... i was to get off at 6:30 and right before i got off, i started to get a headache. i was going to go to the church to pray for a while (our church has been having 24-7 prayer for the whole month of january that was extended to 40 days...), but i couldn't. i just stayed home, because my annoying headache turned to a terrible migraine... i actually went to bed at about 10 o'clock! that is so weird for me! so, because i went to bed that early, i ended up waking up much earlier than i usually do... about 9:30. so, yes i got a lot of sleep, but a migraine is something to sleep off... lol... and i went to youth that night and worship was great and brock's message was great and everything, and then i let myself be attacked afterwards... grrh! i'm not going to deal with this stupid issue anymore! i'm going to 'seek peace and pursue it!' (psalm 34:14)....

so yeah, that's up with me, if you've had the patience to read through this whole blog... i love you!!

My Oil Changing Experience!

2005-02-03T02:00:00.000-06:00

*just a little note... i typed this the other day on my xanga weblog (http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=outofthefirebyGrace)... ok, so xanga is probably an explitive on here, but i joined blogger, so i could leave comments on peoples pages and be better connected with them... anywho... here is my first official post on my blogger, yay!

so, yay!!!! i changed my oil today all by myself! ok, so cecil supervised me, but it's ok, 'cause i did everything, including cut myself on one of his knives! i had to cut a plastic bag in half so i could put it on the ground to change the oil, and i put the blade the wrong way and sliced my index finger pretty good! i went to put a bandaid on it and it bled through the 2 bandaids and my glove by the time i was finished changing the oil... it was great! so i had an awesome, but unfortunately short, time at the pendleton's... i haven't been there since thanksgiving, when charles was still home, and not in mosul, iraq, and when he didn't eat the food that i made... that was hilarious; he didn't like pumkin pie or marshmallows... (i put marshmallows on the yams to candy them, they were yummy, he missed out!!) anywho... so i changed my oil; my lis would be so proud of me!! i think that's about it for now... love you guys!